“I know how you see yourself Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive and you’re angry and you’re broken. You’re Daddy’s blunt instrument. And you think that hate and anger that’s what drives you, that’s who you are. It’s not. And everyone who knows you, sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, is for love. You raise your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You’re the most caring man on earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being, I will ever know.” – The Angel Castiel to Dean Winchester, Supernatural Season 15
After letting a steady exhale out this past week, plus a few neatly timed Pinterest hits, I realized it was probably time for me to finish something I’d started well over two years ago. It was time to finish Supernatural.
I started watching the show two years ago mostly out of boredom and curiosity. I’d tried it before and it had never taken, but I do have a tendency to latch onto things here on this blog. Or at least I did in the before times. When I decided to watch over a decade of this show in a six month period, I did not expect to love it how I did.
I didn’t expect to love it so much that I had to wait until I’d unclenched about a whole bunch of other things before I felt comfortable releasing the emotions I knew were going to come, and, I have to admit for a while I was worried. About the way the show was going and about myself. I hadn’t cried at all.
Well that changed.
The final three episodes of Supernatural are charged for tears, from Castiel’s tearfilled, love confessing good bye to Dean. (Quoted above) to Jack’s decision to leave the boys and humanity behind to become a more compassionate and loving God than Chuck ever could have been, to Dean’s death and ascension to a heaven designed for him, and the long drive and happy life for Sam, before they can be reunited.
When Dean enters heaven and Bobby describes it as a place where everyone is satisfied and together, and Dean sees Baby and switches on the radio and hears, “Carry On Wayward Son,” I was a puddle.
My own personal conception of heaven, as my human brain can fathom the perfection of existence as united with God (what I theologically and philosophically conceive of heaven as, though that’s a little heavy for a blog post about the show where the pretty boys fight monsters.) is a place of comfort and joy where everyone is satisfied and together. My version is actually the bar that my Uncles used to own, settled on a corner bar stool. “Carry On Wayward Son” would probably still be in the mix in my version, to be honest, though it would be coming from the juke box, not a car stereo.
I was wrecked, and it just highlighted what it is about Supernatural that connected with me in a way that even the other nerd homework projects that I enjoyed never really did. This is a show about family, and faith and finding comfort in those things while the world around you spins in chaos. It’s about two brothers who love each other, and the people that come to love them.
And it is about pretty boys who hunt monsters and fight God, and love angels, and drink beer and eat pie and it’s about how Dean Winchester is a hero even if, and especially because, he’ll never admit it to himself. That loving his brother, his angel boyfriend and their adopted son was enough. (Misha and Jensen can “it’s platonic love,” all they want WE KNOW THE TRUTH.) And more than that, that he was loved, and appreciated. Every sacrifice mattered. It saved the world and remade heaven and hell. And those sacrifices were not for his anger or desire for vengeance but for love, and that is not a final theme I’m ever going to get sick of.
Now your life’s no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you.