Game Of Thrones Winner: “The Last Of The Starks”

No one wins.

NO WINNER.

Screw you.

You don’t kill my girl and get a winner.

But if I had to pick it would be Brienne.

Or Gendry.

They both got everything they wanted for a hot second, and then not so much.

But seriously. Fuck you.

Instead of a winner, it’s just RIP Missandei.

May your badass bestie and boyfriend avenge you.

MIssandei

Rest In Power

Arya And Gendry Watch

Gendry is the Lord of Storm’s End. He asked Arya to marry him which is adorable. She said no, because of course she did. Then she rode off with the Hound. They’re off to King’s Landing. I assume so he can kill his brother and she can kill Cersei.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Sansa’s running The North, and she’s taking no shit from anyone. She squares things with The Hound, and with Jon, and in the end even tells Jon’s secret to Tyrion, because I don’t know, whatever. She doesn’t care. She’s gonna get hers. She’s earned it.

Arya Badass Watch

Headin’ to King’s Landing to go Cersei Hunting. I am on board. Cersei can suck all the dicks and die in a fire.

#NotAStark #NotABastard

Cat’s out of the bag, on this one. Dany asked Jon to tell NO ONE AT ALL. He said, “I have to tell my sister/cousins!” She’s like, “Sansa will use that to keep me from being queen you beautiful idiot!” And Jon just tells anyway, because, *sigh.* Anyway, he’s riding to King’s Landing, and also Rhaegal is dead (for real this time.)

Brienne Gets Some

Not going to recur, but Brienne got some! WITH JAIME. Way to get some Brienne! Also, good for Jaime, this was the first non twincest sex he ever had. Then he had to go and blow his chance at happiness, because you know prophecy and destiny.

I Am Team Varys, and Why Aren’t You?

Varys, as always, is backing many horses. He appears to be #TeamJon at the moment. But you never really know with him. But he tends to be right, so I’ll just back his play.

We have two weeks left.

I’m not OK.

BUt You know, whatever. Here we are.

I’m pretty angry about this one, y’all.

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Game Of Thrones Winner: “The Long Night”

What’s been nice this year, is that there are very clear winners. I mean super clear.

This week’s winner is Arya Stark.

She killed the Night King, to save her brother. It was amazing. And this was after she survived the Westerosi version of the kitchen scene from Jurrasic Park. (This is not a criticism btw. I’m a big big fan of that scene, and think it’s a great suspense build, so copying it isn’t the worst thing you can do), and then having a chat with Melisandre, and remembering what we say to the God of Death. (I can do this all day? Sorry you guys, I’m in the fog of where my obsession is the hammer where every criticism looks like an Avengers themed nail.)

So Congrats Arya Stark. You are definitely the best Stark this week. (I mean, it wasn’t sacrificing your happy ending to save the universe. But it was good.) (Guys, I’m totally fine.)

Runner Up was Theon. To quote my sister, “he took NAMES in the Godswood.”

Sansa Agency Watch

Uh, she hid in crypt. But she also killed some zombies, and Tyrion kissed her. Look of her two terrible dysfunctional marriages, Tyrion is definitely the keeper. Which, even he admitted is kind of sad.

Arya Badass Watch

Arya killed the Night King. Hooray!

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

Warged into some crows, got the Night King into Winterfell, this was all fine. I’m just kinda over Bran.

#NotAStark #NotABastard

Did, did Jon, do anything this episode besides get a dragon killed? I don’t think he did. Anyway, Jon got a dragon killed. Way to totally SUCK Jon. (You want to know who didn’t get a dragon killed? Steve Mother Fucking Rogers that’s who! He is worthy and wielded Mjolnir. Have you ever wielded Mjolnir Jon Goddamned Snow?) (Turns out the dragon didn’t die? But Jon was still sucky this week. I stand by that.)

Sam Is A Ravenclaw

Sam did a lot of running around looking panicked.

Who died?

Jorah, Theon, a bunch of Dorthraki, Beric, Lyanna Mormont (went out like a boss though!). But let’s talk about Jorah for a minute here, who’s death did get me. Mostly Dany weeping over his body, but the fact that he died for Dany was incredibly powerful. It was how he always had to end.

On A Scale Of Aragorn’s Speech Before The Gates Of Mordor To Sansa Being Raped While Theon Watches How LOTR Was This Episode?

It was like if The Battle At Helm’s Deep was fought right after The Battle Of The Blackwater. So like not super LOTR no.

 

Game Of Thrones Winner: “A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms”

Did, did I win this episode, you guys? Because it was pretty much everything I wanted it to be.

But, no, I didn’t win. There’s a clear winner here, y’all.

Rise, Ser Brienne of Tarth, Knight of The Seven Kingdoms.

JAIME KNIGHTED BRIENNE. And he did it after a knight of drinking and storytelling with Tyrion, Davos, Tormund and Podrick.

It was fucking beautiful and I was crying my eyes out. Also on the Brienne and Jaime front, he was only not executed by Dany and Sansa because Brienne spoke up for him, and Jaime noted that he had every intention of following her into death.

Yeah. You guys. That’s how you do it.

Sansa gets runner up, for reasons I will further outline below, but seriously, I also love her.

Arya And Gendry Watch

Welp, it happened. Arya Stark marched her cute little butt into that smithy, and told that hotty royal bastard boy she’d always had a crush on that she wanted to lose her virginity before being killed by ice zombies and sex was had, sass was shared and true love won! (In notes on this previous feature, Grey Worm and Missandei made plans to return to the summer isles after the war is won, because Westeros is hella racist.) (They’re going to die, and I’m not going to be able to handle it, especially since this weekend Captain America is also probably going to die, and you know what, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.)

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Quick reminder that the only reason anyone is still alive is because the northerners really really like Sansa. Theon came back to pledge for her, and Dany and she made peace (though we’ll get back to that whole mess in a hot sec) and she forgave Jaime because Brienne is a good judge of character, and everyone just went along with it.

Sansa rules.

Arya Badass Watch

I love her. I love her so much. I love her shooting arrows and straight up telling Gendry she wants to have sex. I love her demanding he build her weapon before anyone else’s, and that he tell her about the Night King and the White Walkers. She’s great.

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

Kiss today goodbye
And point me toward tomorrow
We did what we had to do
Won’t forget, Can’t regret what I did for love…

(Bran’s entire storyline would be more compelling if he were singing showtunes the whole time.) (Also, he forgives Jaime, I guess, or whatever. And he realizes that he’s who the Night King is after.) (Whatever.)

#NotAStark #NotABastard

Dany was having come to Jesus moments with the Winterfell kids all over the place. Jon’s being very awkward, now that he knows she’s his aunt and also that his claim to the throne is better than hers, and he tells her. While standing in front of Lyanna’s tomb, right before the horns blow and the dead descend on Winterfell.

It’s a really good ending.

Sam Is A Ravenclaw

In the most Ravenclaw move ever, Sam hands Heartsbane over to Jorah, a Gryffindor if ever there was one on this show, (Besides Jon and Robb.) and brags about his book stealing.

In Westeros, We Don’t Shake Hands, In Westeros We Hug

So, it appears this season is going to be largely about heartwarming reuinions and hugs. This week, Jon and Sam hugged Edd, and Tormund. Sansa hugged Theon and Dany, I think. Brienne was definitely mentally hugging Jaime, and probably other things.

On A Scale Of Aragorn’s Speech Before The Gates Of Mordor To Sansa Being Raped While Theon Watches How LOTR Was This Episode?

It was somewhere in between the scene in the extended edition where Faramir sees Eowyn for the first time and Jon drawing his sword as the Bolton army charges at him.

Next week, well, it’s what it is right? It’s the battle. Things are about to turn. But it shouldn’t be lost on anyone that the seventh book that we’re likely never going to get to read, is entitled, “A Dream Of Spring.” Maybe it’s just the Easter feels, but I think even if “The Battle Of Winterfell,” is a loss, Westeros and mankind will make it to the Dawn and Thaw.

Game Of Thrones Winner: “Winterfell”

Hi everyone! Welcome back to Westeros. Welcome to Palace intrigue and incest you root for, and so much dragons and fur capes you guys.

This is our last few week crowning winners. Let’s savor it.

Anyway, I think it’s clear:

JON SNOW, or, should I say, Aegon Targaryen. You won.

Jon-Snow-1

Soo broody and handsome.

Jon rode Rhaegal! He made out with Danerys at a waterfall! He learned that he’s not who he believes he is and is actually Aegon Targaryen the rightful king of Westeros.

So…you know, yay?

Runner up is Euron. I’m very happy for him that he got to have sex with Cersei. I think that’s nice for him. Absurd Evil Pirate Wizard Kings need love too, you guys.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch Renamed Arya And Gendry Watch

Now that our two favorite freed slaves have what I assume is a happy and stable relationship, based mostly around cunnilingus and snuggling, we need to move on to the CUTEST COUPLE OF MISFITS IN THE NORTH. I’m talking about Gendry Storm and Arya Stark. The flirting! The weapons! The Hound rolling his eyes.

I’ve been rolling with some “Gendry gets the throne,” theorizing, and you know, I could see it. Queen Arya would be fun too.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

You know that scene in an early episode of New Girl where Jess describes a coworker who told her she “rocked a lot of polka dots,” and Cece is outraged on Jess’s behalf and the guys don’t get it at all?

Sansa was the coworker and Danerys was Jess. HOLY CRAP, my girl was rocking the side eye and the passive agressive comments. Just all of it! Plus she reunited with her less dysfunctional husband. (To be fair, Sansa has had terrible, terrible luck in the marriage department.) I’m kinda rooting for her and Tyrion though. I think new sassy, takes no shit Sansa, and new tired, I believe in Danerys Targaryen Tyrion could do well together.

Arya Badass Watch

Not much straight up badassery on display, but we’ve really seen her growth. She lets Jon know she sees his point, without tearing down Sansa, she flirts with Gendry, she stares The Hound down. She’s sneaking up on people and scaring them right and left. It’s all GOLD. Maisie Williams has really grown into a remarkable actor.

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

Bran didn’t time travel this week, but he did make Sam do his dirty work, and came face to face with the man who pushed him out of a window. We’ll see how that plays out next week, but guys, much like Sansa, and I think Sam a little bit, I’m wayyy over Bran’s whole, “I am the Three Eyed Raven, I have no feelings. Beep Boop,” schtick, so I hope it ends with him just grabbing a sword and swinging. (But I don’t want Jaime to die…yet…)

#NotAStark #NotABastard

So he knows now. Also he knows he’s been sticking it to his aunt. And he’s kind of pissy about all of it. Not that I blame him, it’s a lot to deal with.

Sam Is A Ravenclaw

SAM. STOLE. BOOKS. FROM. THE CITADEL. He stole books. He’s such a nerd, and it’s so awesome.

How Long Until Jaime Snaps?

Well, he’s in Winterfell and is going to be called to task on many, many of his past crimes. I could see Brienne standing up for him. I hope she does.

The Dragon Has Three Heads

JON RODE A DRAGON. Also, he knows now. That’s pretty important.

Other People Did Things

Yara gave Theon permission to go to Winterfell while she headed to the Iron Islands to get things in order in case of retreat from the North.

The Night King killed a bunch of people, arranged them in a shape, and then Beric set them on fire.

Varys called out Tyrion for his constant eunech jokes, by pointing out he hates jokes about his being a dwarf. Also Davos, did his whole, “I’m just saying what everyone’s thinking,” thing in regards to Dany and Jon. Because yeah…

Cersei was hoping the Golden Company would bring their elephants, but they didn’t and she’s kind of put out about it. I agree with her, because elephants in battle look really cool.

So, that’s where we’re at, so far. I was impressed by the episode. I’m worried about Jon. I love that Arya is home and uncreepy.

You Win Or You Die: Game Of Thrones Season 5

Season 5 of Game Of Thrones sucks y’all.

It’s really terrible and not in a fun way just in a, boy this show sure was great and this season sure sucks a lot way.

Littlefinger selling Sansa to the Boltons?

Sucks.

The subsequent rape of Sansa?

Sucks.

Maergary And Loras being stuck in prison most of the season.

Sucks.

No dragons for most of the season?

Sucks.

Dorne?

Sucks.

Melisandre and Stannis burning Shireen?

Rahahaheally Sucks!

The season isn’t without it’s bright spots, but generally and genuinely sucks. Those bright spots? “Hardhome” is pretty amazing. I actually enjoy most of the Mereen stuff, even though Martin has said it’s what’s caused him the most headaches writing wise. (I can also see that.) Sansa and Theon’s escape from Winterfell is both thrilling and cathartic. And I’m in the minority who likes Arya As No One. Season 5 is just a whole lot of place setting and it’s not particularly compelling to watch. Or frankly, to read. A Feast For Crows and A Dance With Dragons are largely considered the weakest books. I personally love Crows, because I ❤ Cersei, but it’s pretty messy.)

Anyway, this week we’ll cover seasons 6 & 7, which are just better than season 5 by virtue of being kind of bonkers, the good guys winning a lot, and making most of the country root for incest.

You Win Or You Die: Game Of Thrones Seasons 1-4

I rewatched the first four seasons of Game Of Thrones this past week. I’d told myself I wasn’t going to but then I started reading “get caught up articles,” and decided that I’d just watch again, because I have a problem, and also I’m out of Marvel movies, so you know what? Fine.

I hadn’t wanted to rewatch because it felt a little like a chore and I’m trying not to do that sort of thing anymore. And it’s not as though I haven’t given Game Of Thrones it’s due on this blog.

I’ve given hours upon hours and post after post of attention to Game Of Thrones. Once when I was late with getting a write up done because I was away on a Sunday night, a friend texted me and said, “Hey, I’m sure you’re busy but I really need to know who won last night!” I’ve had friends stop talking to me entirely during the season because I’m so bad at keeping in my excitement about upcoming plot points. (Hi Greg! Hope you’re having fun on your honeymoon!)

I’ve read the books twice and listened to their audio versions once. I’ve seen each episode of the TV show more times than is normal. (I’m still on the low end for nerds, but for normies, I’m basically a walking encyclopedia) I’ve dressed up as Maergary Tyrell and Sansa Stark and am currently considering investing in Daenerys Targaryen.

love Game Of Thrones. 

But last year, we all took a break. And I realized, this weekend, that rewatching to get back into the headspace of Westeros after nearly a year off, that I actually really needed the revisit, if I didn’t want to spend the seven upcoming Sunday evenings scouring my old writing for details, because there was some shit that I forgot about.

First of all, Seasons 1 & 2 of Game Of Thrones are so astoundingly well written, shot and acted, it’s really no wonder the show gained such traction. It’s really really stinking good. Season 3 is around when the seams start to crack. It’s still quite good, but it’s also probably my least favorite season, which might contribute to why I think it’s where the show changes from tightly written to a bit more sloppy. Season 4 is wonderful. It’s goofy and kind of dumb and really really into itself, but wonderful, and I love it very much.

But let’s start with season 1. The Westeros stuff is a tightly plotted mystery, tense, full of shifting alliances and bad choices and deep regrets from long ago shaping a present and future that’s completely untenable for a new generation. The Stark children and Joffrey Baratheon can’t breathe let alone thrive,they’re crushed by the weight of their parents guilt and secrets. It’s a hell of a way to start a story. Meanwhile, Danerys Targaryen is just learning that she’s a person, not a commodity or a accessory and it’s a wonder. Plus there are zombies and NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT.

Season 2 is equally excellent, if harsher. We’re at war now, and it’s brutal, bloody and complicated. I love Season 2, not only because it contains my all time favorite episode of television, “Blackwater.” Everything that builds to that moment, Renly and Stannis’s conflict, Arya and Tywin at Harrenhall, even Jon’s escapades north of the wall and Dany’s adventures in Quarth, makes the tension of the episode better. “Blackwater” is a perfect episode of TV, and everytime I watch it, I’m reminded of why.

I really don’t like season 3. I mean, I like it fine. It’s still got some good stuff, mostly the Jon and Dany action. But Robb’s storyline is all wrapped up in Talisa, which is a bad bad storyline, we get the Theon being tortured by Ramsey stuff, which is important but dull and repetetive, Sansa’s misery is at it’s peaks and valleys worst. (She’s doesn’t have to marry Joffrey! He’ll probably rape her anyway. She’s going to marry Loras and escape to Highgarden! She marries Tyrion instead. Tyrion’s looking out for her though! Little Finger keeps whispering in her ear to get her away.) Dany’s time in Slaver’s Bay is wonderful, fully pushing her brutal black and white sense of justice to the edge. And Jon’s storyline, working with the Wildlings and his affair with Ygritte is the best he gets over the course of the whole show.

I think there’s also some weirdness for me watching these early seasons again because my time with the show really started blooming in Season 4. That’s when I started crowning winners, really tracking the show in the kind of regular fashion that y’all have become accustomed to. Which was actually fun for me, as I started Season 4 on Monday. I smiled, as the familiarity with those episodes sunk in. The things I’ve come to love in the back half of the show, Missandei and Grey Worm, Cersei’s further unraveling, King Tommen The Adorable, #NotAStark, these things come into focus really quickly in Season 4.

Season 2 is my favorite season of the show, with 1 and 4 vying for second place. Next week I’ll talk about the final three seasons and we’ll all have some fun there. If you’re interested in my Game Of Thrones writing, there’s a shit tonne of it.  

And That’s Just Fabulous

A few weeks ago it was the 20th anniversary of Sex And The City, and reading a bunch of retrospectives on the show had me put my latest nerd homework assignment (Battle Star Galactica! So Say We All!) on hold to watch the show again.

It’s one of those shows I like watching every few years, and I really really love it. I get new stuff from it every time.

This time the watch coincided with a bit of blitz I’ve had trying to date so that was fun. But as usual, I paid less attention to the boyfriends and husbands. (TEAM BERGER!) It’s all about the girls. (And New York City, really, the fifth lady…) Their relationships with each other.

The main love story at the center, structured as such is between Carrie and Miranda and it’s goddamned fascinating. Except for season 1, which, like most HBO shows I regard as a pilot, a way of feeling out if this thing works, the focus is squarely on these two as they grown. Before I’ve noted what’s interesting about SATC is that it’s about the death of cynicism and allowing yourself to be open to love and life.

And I still think that. Even Charlotte, the avatar of true love, doesn’t really understand any of that until she breaks out of her rigid rules. This is a show about opening up. It’s also hilarious, timely and I cannot stress this enough, is about four women where male characters are basically an afterthought.

But I’ve explored all of this before and this time, I was happy to just settle in and watch. Seriously. It was really nice.