The Dead Rule The Sea

pirates 2

Once upon a time, a fourteen year old girl who thought she understood how the world worked rolled her eyes at the prospect of a movie based on a Disney ride.

Now, it’s 15 years later (gross) and that girl thinks that that movie is great, it’s just that the things that came after aren’t so much?

Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse of The Black Pearl is a really good movie, and there’s hints of that greatness in Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, but only hints.

There’s a decent ghost story at it’s center, which echoes it’s origins. A pirate hunter drawn to his doom by Jack Sparrow’s shenanigans returns, determined to have his revenge. This message is carried to Jack by Henry Turner, the son of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann, which is a decent way to start fresh while connecting to the old story (spoiler, this movie kind of squanders that chance.) Henry is determined to find the Trident of Poseidon, a mystical maguffin that breaks sea curses or something and would free Will from his vow to serve as the captain of the flying dutchman. (The bargain Will made in Pirates: At World’s End still stands and Henry thinks it’s bullshit. So do we, Henry, so do we.) They’re joined due to plot shenanigans by Carina Smith, an astronomer who everyone thinks is witch for some reason. (She doesn’t even get weighed with a duck, so like, I don’t know how they tested it.) Oh, and Captain Barbosa, because sure, whatever.

There are some decent set pieces and Captain Salazar, the bad guy, is pretty freaky, and played by Javier “I Can Out Weird You In My Sleep Depp” Bardem. Brenton Thwaites looks eerily like Orlando Bloom, who basically looks the same as he did when he first stepped into The Council of Elrond. ( Depp sleepwalks through the movie, which is too bad, because 14 years ago, Jack Sparrow really was an interesting character. Hell, 6 years ago, in On Stranger Tides he was at least entertaining. But it’s pretty played out by now. Kaya Scodelario is lovely as Carina, though she doesn’t get much to do, and as compared to Elizabeth she’s pretty thin as a character. (Kira Knightley pops up in the last 20 seconds of the movie, and mostly I was annoyed that you know, the consumate badass Elizabeth became is flat disregarded.)

Overall, I will probably watch the movie again when it inevitably plays on cable on some sleepy Sunday, probably in marathon with the other 4 movies.

Pirates could have returned to the surprising fun of the first film, the potential is there in the bones of this movie, but it simply doesn’t deliver.

Rankings

  1. Guardians of The Galaxy: Volume 2
  2. King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword
  3. Pirates of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Trailers:

Transformers: The Last Knight: 
Me: See, Optimus has a sword now, and I think he’s the bad guy this time.
Mary: That’s stupid, Optimus isn’t a bad guy.
And thus the spell this trailer seemed to have over me is broken. Thanks sis!

Cars 3: I don’t think that I ever saw Cars 2 when I think about it, but this one appears to be paying tribute to Rocky 3 so, I’ll probably see it.

Blade Runner: 2049: Mary again, “That looks cool, too bad I hate Blade Runner.” I haven’t watched Blade Runner since freshman year of college, so I need to watch it again before this comes out. I don’t remember liking it much, but you know, Gosling and all.

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