Guys, we’re just about diving into the unknown. I think that these five episodes were the last episodes I watched on the regular. Seriously. I’m interested into seeing what happens.
Episode 1: “4:30 AM (Apparently They Were Travelling Abroad)”
It’s time for us to check in on everyone status quo. I remember seeing this episode and being completely confused. Nothing terrible had happened? No one was waiting for some awful news? Dan alive, Nathan thriving in the NBA, and filming a commericial. Mouth and Millie together, Brooke and Julian together, Haley recording, and Nathan’s agent Clay, who we’re supposed to care about all of a sudden is hanging around, and Haley’s sister Quinn also shows up.
It’s Jamie’s birthday, and there’s a party. We learn that Nathan is having trouble getting a new contract to the levels he wants. Julian turned down a huge movie in New Zealand to be with Brooke. Oh, and Quinn left her husband and Clay has random sex with the model from Nathan’s commercial. And a girl is trying to blackmail Nathan by saying they slept together at some party. Oh also, we meet Miranda, who wants to close Red Bedroom Records, Haley has that to deal with.
Episode 2: “What Are You Willing To Lose?”
So Haley is fighting to keep the label open with Miranda, and it’s actually a really good conflict for her. She also gets to role play a conversation with Peyton and Lucas where she does imitations of them, it’s hilarious and great. She eventually convinces Miranda that she’s worth keeping on because of that old Tree Hill stand by, “I really love this and it matters to me,” and thus a new thing is born for Haley to do.
Nathan and Clay confront the black mailer. She says that she has proof that Nathan slept with her. Seriously, I had next to no memory of this plot line. It’s pretty contrived, and now that I’m revisiting it I remember it a little, and being sort of let down that they didn’t have Nathan actually cheat. You have to remember that by the time this season aired, Gossip Girl had been on the air for three years, and in Gossip Girl, Nathan would have totally actually cheated. but OTH has different rules, which make for slightly healthier relationship models, but way less drama.
BUT, for every, Nathan is actually faithful to Haley lack of drama there is a Dan shaped piece of bonkers joy, this season, that is held by the fact that he’s now working as a Dr. Phil type personality and is married to Rachel. RACHEL!
Oh, also, Quinn and Clay flirt, and Quinn explains to Haley why she left her husband, and I’m sorry, I just don’t care. Maybe I’ll eventually care, but not at the moment.
We also meet Alex, the trainwreck actress, who I sort of remember. Brooke hires her to be the face of clothes over bros, and she’s a trainwreck, and that’s what we need at the moment. Our main cast has their shit way too together these days.
Episode 3: “Hold My Hand as I’m Lowered”
We learn more about how Dan and Rachel ended up together. She was stripping and he hired her to have sex with him a few times. She laid some of her patented Rachel Gatina Truth Bombs on him, and she helped him write a self help book and now they’re together. Also, he’s taken to befriending the homeless, while she takes pictures of it. Also, he seems to actually love her? Which is just, so weird. She seems to just be in it for the money, which is just, so Rachel.
Brooke and Millie are dealing with Alex, who is very good on camera, and has also decided to set her sights on Julian, which is just, so hilarious, and great, and I kind of love her.
Mouth and Skills finally talk about why Skills doesn’t want to move out, and it’s because he isn’t ready to commit to Lauren. Mouth accepts this because Mouth is a really good dude. There’s also some bussiness with a lizard and a snake, and Jamie gets involved, because that kid needs a hobby. Or at least some age appropriate friends.
Clay and Quinn continue to flirt, but he hooks up with Alex, maybe? It’s been established that he’s a huge whore, and she’s still married, so those are both things. Also, her husband shows up. I have bumped up this plotline from “who cares” to “mildly diverting.”
Oh right, and blackmail girl is pregnant and Nathan decides to call her bluff, even though her going public will put his family through hell, even though he didn’t do anything, and this is all very confusing and weird. And Julian’s dad wants him to break up with Brooke, or marry her, and Brooke gets upset when Julian doesn’t ask her to marry him. Or something.
Episode 4: “Believe me, I’m Lying”
It’s time for a Clothes Over Bros fashion show. Millie organized it. It’s very fancy and some dumby model calls Millie ugly, so Alex gives her some pills to OD, and Brooke gave Millie the spot, while she sports the tee shirt that says “Zero Is Not A Size,” which is pretty great. She’s a big hit, and Alex takes her to a party, and she blows off Mouth.
Mouth is having a bad day because he doesn’t want to report on the whole, Nathan getting a girl pregnant thing. Which comes to a head this episode with it being reported in the tabloids, and Jamie finding it, and then Renee (blackmailing girl) confronting Haley at Tric, and Haley slapping her in the face. Also, Miranda bitches out a reporter who’s trying to get Haley’s take on things.
Chase is back, making terrible cocktails that get everyone drunk. And by everyone I mean, Clay and Quinn. Quinn finally tells her boring husband that she doesn’t want to be married anymore. So he comes to yell at her and Clay punches him. Then Quinn and Clay leave together.
We learn that the script that Alex gave Julian is a script that she wrote. Julian offers to help her with it, and Brooke is a little bit worried about that, because Alex, is Alex.
Episode 5: “Your Cheatin Heart”
So Haley’s in jail because Renee decide to press charges. She makes friends with a hooker and a woman who hit her cheating husband over the head with a computer, or something. Anyway, they, plus a conversation with Renee, plant the seeds of doubt about Nathan, though she is publicly standing by him. He gets real angsty about her having doubts though.
He takes that out on Clay, who he yells at about hooking up with Quinn, except they didn’t have sex, they just talked, which is not what Quinn told her boring husband and…OMG I’m starting to remember why I stopped watching the show, because they tried so hard to make Quinn and Clay a thing. And I just can’t bring myself to care.
Alex, however, is kind of my new favorite OTH character, besides Brooke, obviously. She’s great. She tries to seduce Julian and he rebuffs her adorably. Then Brooke yells at her and she accepts defeat adorably. Then she adorably tells Millie that Millie should totally be a model, again adorably.
Oh also, Chase is flying planes and Mia is visiting. Also, Dan is making some kind of plan with Renee, and reaching out to Nathan to try to help. Rachel tells him this isn’t a good plan. Of course it isn’t, because Rachel is smart, if misguided.
Overall Analysis Of This Arc
This is not as bad as I thought it would be. I truly don’t remember how any of this turns out, because, as I noted before this is about where I bailed (picking up to watch the last season, which I also wound up bailing on. I will not bail this time. I may stumble. (It took a bit of a push to get these episodes in…) but I’m going to finish. I think. Also, I like Alex. She’s like, the new Rachel. AND Rachel’s around. This is kind of the best.